Sweet justice

Fri, 4 May 2012 19:38:19 -0700

Isaac made Thomas cry for the first time today - pulled his hair - hard. I had to smile a bit as I held my crying Thomas. It’s about time Isaac stuck up for himself. :)

Naptime

Thu, 3 May 2012 14:48:20 -0700

Some days naptime is blissful and sometimes naptime feels like a three ring circus. Always it’s a goal. Although it would be nice if Thomas and Isaac and I were all on offense on the same team. I’m pretty sure I’m on offense and they are on defense. I only wish there was someone around to high five me each day when I finally score! (It’s hockey playoffs around our house, can you tell?)

Today was a circus.

1:00 I put Isaac down for his nap. He cries for a bit, but falls asleep on his own.

1:30 Thomas poops. I take him upstairs to change him. Isaac wakes up. Hmmm...dilemma. Now it’s time to put Thomas down for his nap, but Isaac is crying. Maybe Isaac will go back to sleep. So I take Thomas in to his room to read stories.

1:45 Isaac is still crying. I lay with and sing to Thomas. He seems calm and about to doze off, so I leave him and go over to Isaac.

2:00 I decide to feed Isaac since he’s not going back to sleep.

2:15 I’m rocking and singing to Isaac and I hear Thomas’ door open. Ugh.
I finish my song with Isaac and lay him in the crib. He’s wide awake.
I go out to get Thomas. I can’t find him. He’s not in his room. He’s not in my room. And he’s not in the bathroom. I didn’t hear him go downstairs (he can’t be down there right, our stairs are SO creaky, I would have heard him), but he must be down there. I go downstairs. He not in the living room, kitchen, dining room, or office. I go back upstairs. Is he smart enough to hide from me? Where is he? I check under the bed and behind doors. I feel silly, he’s not smart enough to hide. I’m starting to get a little nervous. Did he go outside? I start back downstairs. Then I hear him, “Mama, where are you?” Ugh. I’m going to ring his neck. I round the corner, and he’s coming up from the basement. “Thomas! Get upstairs right now. It’s nap time.”
He looks up with a big grin, “I don’t believe it!”
I cannot keep a straight face, laughing, I say...”start believing, buddy, start believing!”

2:30ish (The time is a fuzzy blur by this point). I lay with Thomas again. He finally falls asleep. You may be wondering about Isaac. He’s still talking in there, but he’s not crying. Come on, buddy, I believe in you too. GO TO SLEEP!

2:45 House is quiet. I sit down at the computer with a cup of tea.

High five, Mommy, you did it again.

Fourth birthday

Tue, 1 May 2012 14:26:30 -0700

It has been four years since I started this blog. And four years since Ethan died. And even though I rarely write about him anymore, this little baby has been part of every day since. And though I didn’t want it to happen, I am a very different person because of him. And it in no way justifies the pain, but I am glad that
I am more patient -
with a bossy two-year old, with a fussy baby, with a late husband
more thoughtful of others -
knowing the painful feelings of wanting a baby and not having one
more thankful -
for big things sleepless nights, sick days, and healthy ones
for little things like sunshine, tricycles, wet boy smell, muddy floors
and more joy filled than before Ethan. The last one surprises me. After Ethan died I remember being out on a walk one evening with Will and we were talking about how do you get to be “old” and still be joy filled? How do you experience the pain of life over and over and still be joy filled? I haven’t arrived at that answer. I’m not a grandma yet. But I think it has to do with several things, the hope of heaven and knowing the grace you’ve been given, and seeing and being thankful for the little joys along the way. I’m not sure how you get to be a joy-filled grandma at then end of a pain filled life, but I know that’s who I want to become and I keep praying that God will grow me into that woman.

I have some random thoughts to share. And I can’t figure out how to connect them gracefully, so here they are. :)

I. CUPCAKES
Thomas and I made cupcakes today. Here’s some snippets of conversation from the day.

T: “Why we making cupcakes?”
Me: “It’s your big brother, Ethan’s birthday. Remember he’s in heaven with Jesus.”
T: “We need to go there.”
Me: “We can’t go there yet.”
T: “We can take them (the cupcakes) to him.”

Later....
T: “Ethan’s in heaven.”
Me: “Yes, if we believe in Jesus, we go to heaven when we die.”
T: “Isaac go to heaven?”
Me: “Hopefully someday, but hopefully not for a long time.”

I. PHOTOS
This week I was putting up some photos in our bedroom. One was our wedding photo. Thomas kept asking, “Where’s me, where’s me?” And I also put together a collage of the boys. I included Ethan’s picture along with Thomas and Isaac. It’s so striking how Ethan’s photo never changes. The other boys keep growing. But Ethan’s always a newborn.

I. BROTHERS
Will likes to think about what a blessing Thomas is, because if we had Ethan we probably wouldn’t have Thomas. I like to think about the boys together. I like to think of brothers. How perhaps Thomas would be more gentle with Isaac if Ethan were around because Ethan would beat on him. Or how Thomas’ personality would be different, because he’d be a middle child. Or maybe he’d actually poop on the potty, with a little modeling from his big brother. Several of Thomas’s friends are close to Ethan’s age, so I get to see glimpses of what life with a four-year-old is like. It’s a sad reminder of all that’s been lost. And yet something to hold on to as well, since the only memories of Ethan are as a newborn. I can only imagine what a delightful little boy Ethan might have been - caught up in imaginative play, planning for preschool, and riding his bike. Would he have been into cars, music, trains, sports, art?

And so for today...
Happy birthday, Ethan. You are very, very missed.

Happy Easter!

Sat, 7 Apr 2012 20:51:57 -0700

It’s hard to know what to write about Easter. For now, here’s our Easter week in pictures. Perhaps my jumbled thoughts will become more coherent tomorrow and I can write something then.